A Life Update

Saturday, June 2, 2012

A Life Update

"Mat, update me about your life." A long lost friend messaged me on Facebook.

She is a  friend, who - was never lost nor was her absence ever felt truly long. A friend who lives in one's heart will only feel near; and the meetings after many years, will always feel like it was only yesterday.

My Life. An update. What do I tell her about it?  Perhaps I can write about my inner transformations; the challenges along the way, the growth of my career; my family life;my fears and joys along the way; the lessons I have learned; insights and inspirations; the people I've met and left a mark in my life.. Where and when do I start?  When was the last time we really spent time with each other?  University. 15 years ago.

I do not know where to start and what to cover; and how do I reply to an inbox message with such a huge existential question?

The other big question is - is it really my life? Is it really in my free will to choose and create the life I long to live - or am I simply living the pre-determined destiny I was created for?

"Update me with your life."  It sounds simple - it should be simple. But simple - it is not.

Since year 2000, each year felt like a lifetime; significantly different from each one - in experience, place, time and people.


Here is the attempt to encapsulate 15 years in a nutshell.

After spending six long overdue years in the university; I was battling with my search for the meaning of life. I wanted my life to be on fire; wanted to illuminate myself by illuminating others. I wanted my darkness and  lostness in a world; a place with people that seems to be so sure that money will bring them peace and security - to make sense. It never did make sense to me. By then, I have already given up my latest dream to be a Clinical Psychologist and have long let go of my first choice to study European Languages the day before I entered university.

My first leap outside the classroom was to teach Psychology and Social Anthropology in college like my hair was on fire; it was followed by taking over my mother's role as a  headmaster/rektor in her school. I was 21 years old then. Here, I faced work burn-out, family/business betrayals, steep learning curves, tested my tenacity and perseverance, worked very long hours, earned very little - but knew and felt- that I was making a difference- in the lives of my students, my staff and - myself. I was both an employer and an employee. After a good 5-6 years of those; I decided that my life had to take another turn. My sign was simple; my body said - stop; my soul was no longer exhilarated. I was exhausted and weary. I learned to listen to my body.

I read, and read, and read some more. One fine day, I dropped my books and told myself - it is time to live again. I traveled alone as a young adult to return to ballet, the healing and the martial arts and mountaineering. In my journey to complete my childhood dreams, I continued writing in my journals as I always did.

Then it was time for a major family crisis. My mother had signs of stroke and a heart attack. We almost lost her. My father, alongside with her, did not take the stress and shock of the news well - and fell ill himself. I was confronted with endings and possible death of either of my parents. This led to last wishes - and this brought my mother and I to a land we have always dreamt of, never really hoped of going to - but finally was able to visit. INDIA.

There - I fell in love, swept off my feet and broke my heart. It is also a place where I met friends I never knew would be like family 15 years after. I learned about a love that can break, and a love that can heal. But it was always about a love - that is powerful.

In my return to the Philippines, I decided that my perceived  "gaps in learning/learning disabilities" cannot follow me to my grave. I went to embark on a journey to heal my self-esteem in learning; and told myself that-  "If I can teach others, I can also teach myself ". I did not only finished my masters with the highest honors in my class; I also brought home with me papers that received 1.0 (flat ones) from my former university but from the main branch in Diliman. It was enough to redeem myself. It was time to move on again.

Next, more travel. I spent time traveling alone with either my mother or my father to Thailand and back to India. Never did I realize, that those golden moments would be my last. At around this time, I discovered that I had my priorities right all those years.



In my second return to India, this time with my mother, I again met the young man I met once briefly in my first visit. As I reached home, he decided to talk to me - overseas. It reached a point where we ended traveling together in Thailand and Cambodia and then made a decision for him to finally visit the Philippines. Moments passed. We got married, had our lovely daughter Aaliaa and yes, then, the soap opera began. Interracial marriage; cross caste; no church nor temple weddings; no jobs, surely, no money and in many of those months - no secure visa for Rahul to stay in the country to see through the birth of his first child. Months of struggles and uncertainty passed. I was not in those times without morning sickness.

And then came the day, to leave everything that was familiar, secure and safe. It was time to say goodbye and to start life on our own.  Our little family of three moved to India to take on a job for the next four years. The farewell was not without tears nor pain. The beginning was the toughest on our daughter and my parents. But we had to put food on the table from our own hands.

I never lived a year more than a year. In the paragraphs that are about to follow, you will find that year after year, I stretch myself into doing something that I have never done or taught before. Many of times, I would be doing something that I have never even learned nor prepared for; and some times; I'd be tasked to do the hard and sticky job of paving the way so it becomes easy for those who follow after me. It's like clearing of the thorny bushes in front of my face and getting scratched and wounded as I forge on for others to create an easier path to follow. Is it a curse? Or simply a role I chose to take?

For a more positive perspective in each stage of my journey - refer to the "GRATEFUL" Blog Entry.

INDIA 2006 - 2010. A cold misty hill station with horseback riding around a beautiful lake on top of it. The bird's eye view of the hills peeking beneath the clouds is breathtaking. My passion to teach Psychology was re-ignited and I felt free to recreate education with a very flexible and open curriculum.

Magical. Misty. Friendly. Inspiring. Encouraging. Beautiful. Community. Welcoming. Stimulating. Simple. Squirrels and rhesus monkeys. These are my words for our four years in Kodaikanal.

It was my 1st time to teach in Middle School, in a new country, in an international school - and yes, also my first time to teach Science, English, Humanities and ESL Support; as well as to be a class teacher. It is not without forgetting, that we lived 5,000 feet above sea level on a mountaintop that is seeped in misty cold. It was a part of India that I have never been before- and neither could Rahul speak the South Indian language. There as Rahul hopped from no job, to an assistant  IT job to a teaching job; I also moved from being a class teacher in the Middle School, to a high school Psychology teacher to an assistant  Middle Years Program Coordinator. Each year was being outside my comfort zone; it was a constant stretch in all levels. My little one who was constantly looking for her grandparents and her parents had seen us through in this intense life changing years. We saw her disraught and withdrawn in the first year and a half, and eventually found her way around the trees in that mountain like a rhesus who is finally at home in its element. In those years, we called home often and would fly to the Philippines on loan - to keep my parents and our daughter happy; and for Rahul and I to also enjoy some R & R.


By the time, she has settled in India - our lives needed another detour for growth; both financially and for our spirits as well. The four years of constant stretching has taken its toll on all of us. We took a leap of faith and jumped off the cliff expecting for our wings to just manifest out of thin air to keep us afloat until our next destination. There was no visible sign of land to rest our hopes on for a long time. We went home; resigned to whatever faith we always had.



I missed my students greatly. The ones that have left before me and the ones I have left behind.

Next stop. NORWAY. 2010 - 2011. The gentle waves from sea and the quiet lake turns from deep blue to a spectacular sheet of ice. The leaves turn crimson and gold; plays hide and seek; and before you know it, it spreads its green carpet everywhere for you to enjoy the sight teeming with life from your mountain bike to work.

11 months in Norway. Natural. Liberal. Open-minded. Egalitarian. Humble. Trusting. Simple. Friendly. The sea and the lakes. Leaves. Icicles and bicycles.

I was tasked to lead a team of teachers to bring the school into authorization from the International Baccalaureate organization. I have never led a team into an authorization.

In the days that passed, we saw the sun staying high for months and the sun keeping low for more months with periods of - not completely dark and not completely bright. We missed our scooter in India because now we walked or biked everyday to school for about a kilometer or so -  in windy, rainy, dry and snowy days and with a laptop in my backpack.

While I was only tasked to do pedagogical leadership in India, I had to now cover in addition - the administration part of the role in Norway and then see through the completion and success of a major school and state-wide  requirement. Though I did work with a few Europeans and North Americans in India, I was mainly working with Asians. In Norway, I was the ONLY Asian in the staff.



I harnessed my skills in multi-tasking skills as the entire school had only one part-time secretary and no vice-principal nor administrative coordinatos separate from the pedagogical ones. Unlike in India, in Norway, we made and brought our own lunches to school and went home to a list of housework; because househelp was just a luxury someone of my income cannot afford.

The task given for me to complete and see through its success, was an exciting and nerve-wracking one. It was not only a stretch; it was something I was determined never to break for. I did not only believed in what I was doing, supporting and completing; I was also doing it for myself - for the sake of knowing how far I could go and knowing what I could do. I especially crave for opportunities that most people find impossible to happen. I find it entertaining to positively surprise people. Most of all, I like surprising myself of what I can do.


But I was feeling cold after a year - in so many levels. My spirit craved for warmth - for a life that is a bit more familiar and close to my home in the islands. Perhaps, I needed some rest from the constant battle to collectively achieve.

For the first time in my career, I had a choice. I was presented with three opportunities. The opportunity to stay in Norway and choose another role as I wished; the opportunity to teach Psychology again - but in Finland; and the opportunity to live a childhood dream - to be in Africa. I chose the last one - the door that will make a dream come true and the place where I can warm my bones and brighten up my spirits once more.



Again, I missed my students greatly. The ones that have left before me and the ones I have left behind.


Today. AFRICA. BOTSWANA. 2011- 2012.

 
Warm. Jubilant. People. Bright. Cosmopolitan. Intense. Personal. Music and Dance. Space. Bluest of skies. Simple. Community. Baboons and antelopes.

I already regret leaving Africa. I know that if I will stay longer, things are SLOWLY going to work out more smoothly. I can already see the resistance slowly breaking down and the others warming up to my role in the workplace. But we came for a reason and a season - and not a lifetime.

This is the first time I am ALREADY regretting prior to making the decision to leave. But all our decisions are collective and made as a family - yes, of course, including Aaliaa.

I will miss my students greatly.

NEXT STOP. I have reached a point where I have learned to resign to the incomprehensible universe.

At the end of my 36-year long journey, I have learned that BEAUTY ABOUNDS EVERYWHERE. It is in a quiet lake with the swans smoothly paddling their way to the shore in Arendal, as the leaves turning red and gold falling gently on the water to greet them. It is also in the cool misty mountains of India playing hide and seek with the monkeys roaming about; and it is also in the warm southern African sun where its semi-red desert can either burn your feet in heat or cold. These places were equally beautiful to my simple home of festivities, family gatherings, deep intimate talks and laughters with friends - and of course, our warm crystal blue Philippines waters and sugar white sand that seem to dance with the music of its carefree and loving people.

Yet, I also learned that PAIN SEEPS IN EVERYONE. It is in the loneliness of feeling and being alone in an empty room watching the snow cover the green fields turning everything into an elusive nothingness of greyish white. It is in the historial pain of segregation and inhuman judgment that the memory still nurtures ever so blessedly; the nightmares at times, continue after having woken up from the bad dream. It is in the struggle to belong and create communities as we long to be with our families back home. Everyplace has its well-protected well of pain heavily guarded by the sharp fences of fear.

And so far, LIFE IS WORTH LIVING. It can be an uphill climb or a downhill fall and at times, a flat journey that seems to only end where you have begun. I walk through doors as a stranger and leaves it as a friend; and in between the two - there are: strange sounds, strange places, strange feel in the air, strange food, strange people, strange stares and strange things to do. If I hold on long enough, I then find "familiar everything" and with that, comes the pain of - goodbyes.

Hellos and goodbyes taught me NOT TO TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED. It also taught me GRATITUDE.

I took this JOURNEY OF BEAUTY AND PAIN, simply because I had that which holds me together in my ride to understand people, places, history, the future - and MYSELF; I have the LOVE of my family and friends - far and near. They follow me in all the days of my life; and when I feel like giving up, they always tell me - I HAVE A HOME to go home to.

In between flights, road trips and train rides - I have the most beautiful moments of quiet. It is in these times, that my mind becomes quiet and truly experience the journey. This is where I hear the whispers of angels.

THE JOURNEY IS THE DESTINATION. It is when I move that I can hear and listen to the sweet whispers from beyond.

We pack our bags again in two months - to hear another language, meet different people and once more - experience the same, yet different faces of - beauty and pain.

I journey not to seek beauty; for seeking it is like a deer jumping of the cliff to death in search for its musk.

"Beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror."



"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain."

- Kahlil Gibran