Embracing Our Shadows

When I was in college, there was a teacher who took time after school or on weekends, to sit with me and speak about "Embracing our Shadows" and the Enneagram. He was never my classroom teacher but we lived in the same dormitory in Graduate Hall, back in the University of the Philippines. It was a ground-breaking thought for me, and just by entertaining the thought, I began to slowly feel liberated from my repressed feelings. It took another decade or so, to be almost free from it.

Once, I even had this friend, literally shaking my shoulders, telling me to get out of my bubble and just feel and be there. I could go on for years without crying, and there sure was nothing tough about that.

Yes, at around my late 20s to mid 30s, I finally learned how to feel more or get angry more freely and manage it without suppressing or judging it. Close to my 40th birthday, I can say, I'm better at it, but not yet a pro. I can tell by how the quality of my listening and acknowledging of my daughter's feelings, that I am still a work in progress, and perhaps, will always be.

I was raised by radically loving parents who did not physically nor verbally punish me; but no one is perfect. Anger (at least mine) was not really given much space in our household, so it quickly returned back into its cave; and the darker intense personal emotions were not violently shunned, but neither where they embraced nor deeply explored. It's just there, unseen and unheard. Sensitive as I was, I did not need overt approval or punishment, for my feelings; a gentle and almost invincible ignoring of subtle emotions was more than enough.

My personal journey to Authenticity has a lot to do with embracing my shadows. For those who may have known me for some years, know that I wasn't really a bolt of lightning or a raging storm to be around with. I was passionate about certain things, but it takes a lot to upset me.

Well, I can go on and on and tell stories about me, but I thought I'll quickly outline some:

Ways to Embrace Our Shadows

1) Understand that feelings are neither bad nor good. They're just energy (contracting or expanding) and are, by nature, in motion. They're meant to come and go, but if we hold on to them, or cage them or won't let them in, they will pester, go stale, mold up and eventually eat into our body or our minds. So they need to be expressed and acknowledged, if no one will, at least, we should.

2) Allow Ourselves to Feel. Coming from a family of intellectuals, this was a very tough one for me. It is as if my heart has been swallowed by my head for so many years. I was taught that the head is on top because it's meant to reign, this is like saying that the earth is rectangular standing up and not round. The heart is located at the center, because it is the core of our energetic body. It speaks to us more authentically than our heads, because our heads are full of everybody's conditioning (culture, beliefs, etc.).

I feel blessed to have married a man who is not only unconditional in his love, but is ever present and available to my feelings. He is a complete heart person who does not intellectualise things. He believes that his source of wisdom and place of action is his heart. Can you imagine what our marriage is like? I talk and he listens. I read books while he is busy laughing at comedy movies.

Rahul allows me to be angry, freely. He has never questioned it nor has he asked me never to do that again. Before, during and after my house rage - he is only listening and when I am exhausted from the ranting and the pounding (which I haven't done in decades), he has a cup of hot tea in his hands ready for me to enjoy. And we can do the same to ourselves.

After some time, I found myself less and less angered by anything, because deep inside me now, I know it is always available for me when I need it to be expressed. And when it does, it is short lived.

How to Feel (Sounds like a silly title, huh?)

If you are anywhere like me in the feeling sphere, this title makes sense. We feel all the time, but we are not aware of it most of the time.

a) Ask yourself "How do I feel today?" It may not require words, you may just choose to stop and be aware of what you are currently feeling.

b) Find where the emotion sits in your body. Acknowledge its presence with deep respect and breathe through it, without asking it to stay or go.

c) Assure that emotion that you are here available to feel it. "I am here for you _____ (sadness, anxiety, worry, joy, peace etc.)." you may say in your mind or simply send off that reassuring thought.

The more you are available to your feelings, it will intensify and it's okay. If you have pushed it aside for long, you might feel shortness of breath (if it's a stuck feeling) or certain parts of your body might feel a bit of discomfort. Just keep breathing and allow yourself to feel that emotion.


Your breath will give it the space and energy to be put in motion, in other words, you are allowing it to get unstuck and move through your body wherever it wants to dance, and when it's tired it will go back to its source in the universe.

You are not thinking about this feeling. You are not judging it as good or bad. That feeling is not there to harm you, it is just there to sing its song for you to hear. It is a messenger. A friend. The more we allow it to exist, the less it will act out. The more we cage it, the more it will kick and scream - and eventually, bite the body until we give it our loving presence and attention.

Lastly, when it is joy, happiness or deep peace that we feel, know that we are worthy to experience it as well. 

This may come as a surprise, but many of us, just like the shadow feelings, brush aside the bright and happy ones as well - because we feel we don't deserve to feel this way. So we distract ourselves and get straight back to work without celebrating our success or linger a little longer in that ecstatic state.

So may it be pain or joy, allow them their rightful chance to exist, to dance, to sing, scream or cry. Only when we give them freedom and respect, can we give them wings to fly to where they need to be next.

Because when we can listen to ourselves and honour our feelings, we can do the same to our children; and we will raise healthy kids, both physically and psychologically.

A better humanity.

All my love,
Mataji