When a month passeth..

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

When a month passeth..

Sitting on my sofa under a yellow steel lamp, I feel the weight of my own body crashing on me as I wait for midnight. My eyelids are like curtains in a stage after a performance, it wishes to drop, but it waits for the time to reach its close. When the clock hit midnight, I quickly dragged my laptop and hid under my quilt in an increasingly dark and cold autumn night. Perhaps I can force myself to write to burn the night.

It was a long day. I listened. I talked. I listened. I talked. My hormones are also enjoying the exaggeration of tragedy. And today, also marks the longest month of my life. I arrived here on the 8th of August.

Honestly, I did not battle with loneliness. I love being with the company of my own thoughts or the thoughts of others in print. I battled with maternal guilt. I battled with my idealism. I battled with my collective existentialism. I battled with my theories in Child Psychology. I battled with my fears. Yes, these thoughts kept me company, so it was impossible to be lonely.

I am one of those, perhaps very few, who is very fortunate to have always lived her dreams. I have a job that pays me to do what I would be willing to do for free. I have a deep spiritual and emotional relationship with my parents. I am one of those children who, without a breath of hesitation would gleefully exclaim that her parents are her best friends. I have a deeply caring and loving husband and a beautiful, open, yet attached relationship with my only child. I, also, have an intimate and profound relationsip with my spirit. Grand and Divine, I am in that relationship too, that which connects us all in different perspectives. It's very challenging to bring me into loneliness at its core.

I have never truly given myself the keys to the death chambers of my soul. I have always been truly alive, even in my darkest hours. I always knew, I came to serve and prosper others. I came to love and be loved. I came here, went there, been there and did what I came to do.

And what I clearly came here to do , is to have this one special fragile yet powerfully strong being, enter into this world, and make her feel she is the most important thing in the world for me.  I came to make her feel, I will give up anything for her. I came to make her understand, that my love for her is beyond fear. That is, beyond the fear of security, of poverty, of death in body and soul.

I tucked myself to bed tonight with the screen blazing in front of me knowing, I am tested. I am testing my own convictions. I scrabble with words to find answers. And yet, I am answered. I wished for her to have a deepened bond with her father --- which is happening at this very moment. I wished for her to be marinated in her grandparents love in their presence---and which is also happening at this very moment. I wished for her to experience and have memories of her mother's culture and country -- which is, like I said, is also happening at this very moment.

Now, the time is ripe. It is time for her to be home with her mother once again. She celebrates her birthday in 21 days and her father and I have always crossed oceans and mountains all these years - to give her the best gift we think she could ever have on that day- a family. We are always together celebrating the gift of her wonderful presence in our lives.

My mother always made me feel like I was the most important thing in her life (my brother and I) and she would drop anything for us. This is the same gift I am giving my daughter. When all else seem to fail when I was younger, I have always risen again and again, because of this gift I believe my mother has given me.

I would only wish the same for all the children in the world to feel that love that I have... but I intend to start with my own.