In Relation With You

"Allow each soul to walk its path" - Neale Donald Walsch

I feel that the drama of life revolves around relationships.That is, relationship with others and relationship with one self - or for some, their relationship with a being they call God. Joy, completeness, fulfillment, peace etc. always have a reference to a relationship. Similiarly, brokenheartedness, loneliness, anger, emptiness, has once again a reference to a relationship.

We listen to painful stories of lovers parting ways, of families torn apart, of an inharmonious working environment, of friendship gone sour or a soul dry and barren of a deep relationship with the Divine. And yet, we exult in stories of happy families, of friends reaching out, or communities working together and colleagues supporting each other and a deep meaningful relationship with Life.

It provides our lives meaning. That is to be able to love and be loved. But why is this seemingly simple state so difficult to keep? We ask questions like, why can't he love me like this? Why don't they listen to me? Why is he not changing? Why can't he be the way I want him to be? Why are they hurting me? Why can't they appreciate and acknowledge my contribution? What have I done to deserve betrayal?

Maybe,indeed "What's happening is merely what's happening. How you feel about it is another matter" - NDW.

Maybe no one meant to hurt us ( even if they do) , but they can't help being who they are; being who they choose to be at the moment. And I return to the original quote: "Allow each soul to walk its path".

How difficult is this?

It is, undoubtedly, to most of us. Many of times, we invest our identity in being dependent on others or having someone dependent on us - in feelings, thoughts or action.

What happens, if the people we love allow us to walk our own path, whether they agree with it or not? How will we feel?

What if your closest friend chooses to leave and follow her new path? Your partner choosing to address his needs somewhere else? And what if your career of choice did not choose you back? Or your dream chose not to be in your palms today? Or the person you love , do not love you back?

Many of times, I have just chosen to be insensitive, apathetic, maybe even cold. There are times, I just want to be left alone and there are times I wanted to be in people's company. At times, I don't hear people and also at times I don't feel for them. And many of these times, I do not reach out. It felt like I just needed to be all of these, until I find my way again. Am I required to be punised? Should I require unconditional love? Or I let people be even if they don't let me be? As that is letting them be.

Should I punish myself with endless guilt and make up for it to appease my guilt and not out of genuine feelings for the act that I did? Or can I honor and set myself free to express various parts of me, perhaps not my innermost core, but my shedding off to reach within required these process.

I don't justify acts, for its hard to justify what you can't judge. But I want to be free to express that various expressions of me. I feel that the only way to do - is also to set others free.

I am talking in personal context and in no way think it would apply to others or would be best for others. I am in an intercultural marriage in a foreigh country and people can be very different ( sometimes even without the differences race, caste or creed).

I felt that when I celebrate differences, do I only feel united with them- because then, I also honor my uniqueness.

I am glad that I can dance in the street and hum loudly out of tune , and even when I see my husband cringe in embarassment, he lets me be.

In his conservative culture, when freedom is defined differently by the rest of the world, he bows his head, stops his breath, walks away when I yearn to be just me. And then welcome me back with open arms while tending to his wounds. It brought us closer and in celebration of our union based on freedom.

I could walk in the woods with a male friend and laugh and eat with him while he tends for my daughter so I can enjoy my freedom to enjoy friendship. He waits earnestly for me and we have dinner together and talk about the lovely day. While I can do the same for him ( never truly easy). The most challenging part is when he is immersed with his culture, that many of times I could not understand. I cringe too, at times, feel hurt and abandoned, but consoled by the love that I let him walk his path. And welcome him at all times.

And at the end of the day ( of many different twists and turns), we sip our tea and chat, sleep and wake up together and looking forward to the new day.

Tomorrow we take a trip and we again will meet changes in each other and in ourselves, and I pray we come home together as we always do.

Photo: taken from our trip in Kerala, India.