Giving it to myself

"I intend to take time for myself to live the life that I came here to live." - Wayne Dyer

My stress level has been so high recently. I've been on a "fight or flight" mode. Unfortunately, I took a lot of flight moments but were appeased by the moments I have chosen to "fight".

My fighting has been proactivity. What stresses me is work pending, but at the same time I am stressed with the fact that though I keep working, more work also keep coming in. I suppose it is the nature of the pending work that I found uninteresting - yes, I guess they call it paperwork.

Somewhere at the back of my mind though, I have a nagging feeling that I will feel so relieved and better if I just sit non-stop until it is done instead of working on it in bits and pieces everyday and letting the stress linger in my thoughts and body.

Being in my monthly hormonal shift doesn't help much either.

But I intend to blog today to answer- what did I come here for?

I get this resistant chatter of quiet in my mind. There is a screaming but I can't hear it- or perhaps refuse to hear it. I just have been putting myself last these days, and my body and mind doesn't like it too much. It's beginning to rebel, to get angry. I found myself shouting with my entire being and body last night with chair legs breaking - something I've never done before but it left me so light, relieved and released that suddenly I felt I have space for new things again- instead of feeling so psychologically bloated.

I hope that the salary coming in 2 days will appease the stress to some extent. The pouring rain and the thick fog makes me feel cold and damp.

I don't feel like running away and I don't feel like staying either. I feel alone but don't feel like reaching out.

Maybe I just need sleep.