Meditations

It is a treat for me when I have days feeling beyond my identity as an employee and a leader or a member of a team. There are even days when I'm beyond being a wife and a mother. These roles are the freest. I have no norms to follow for being a wife nor a mother with my husband and child. In our family, we are just ourselves - people- hardly with any role to play other than just to be ourselves. This pretty much is the same with my parents. I don't feel like a daughter when I am with them. I am just me.

With the drastic changes in my career and my physical distance to whom I consider my friends - I have to say, I haven't much been of a friend lately. I have no enemies where I was then nor where I am now, but neither do I have friends I could bond and share moments with these past few years. Raising a family and stabilizing in my career, seemed to be the theme for the past 3-4 years in my life.

I feel fortunate to have kept tight ties and communication with my parents. We have intentionally planned to go home and meet them at least once a year or sometimes twice in the Philippines. We have been working in bringing them over and my mother has made it here with us once.





On the other hand, there is my relationship with myself. I feel connected with myself when I experience that inner stillness, free of care, clear and even when I am emotionally charged on an experience or even a goal.

I feel most fulfilled when spirituality is integrated in my life and in my family's life. The days I get to join the hatha yoga classes are the days when I feel I am doing something for myself and my body. It feels empowering to have a strong yet flexible body. The satisfaction comes in that moment of quiet as one poses- still-ever still in balance.

It also feels empowering knowing that I find time on things that matter to me - my meditations. It is a rare exercise for me nowadays. I seem to flicker and flutter in this path. That is,the intentional sitting. There are "better' days when I can breathe and watch my thoughts and experience my emotions in every moment. That is, bravely, including the fear that fleets in and out.

I am writing about him today, because for such a long time, I experienced fear and panic. I had it today. I had not control of it. Yet, I was quick to dismiss judgment of myself. I watched myself hear my heart pound, and at the same time, value the fears of others. When it feels real - it is real at that moment.

Meeting Master Jimmy last summer and spending more than a month in spiritual readings transformed many things within me. I have rediscovered Choa Kok Sui's books among other things. Since then, it has been a series of finding one inspiration after another. I can still remember the quiet and stillness of my soul. I can remember the growing fearlessness.

I seek to re- member again. Perhaps, to choose it here, now.