The Process

June 16, 2009


It’s 11:30pm and we just got back from a grueling 3 hour bus ride from Iloilo City to finish my daughter’s passport renewal, my OFW papers as well as some tax refunds.

It is our first overnight trip just two of us since our daughter was born (my husband and I). We normally never leave our daughter alone for more than a day except, for moments like this, to process important papers and spare her from the rigors of hours of travel and work as well as the challenges of the weather.

I reflected on many things on the bus, while waiting for the papers in the offices, in the malls, the bookstores etc. I reminisced on our times before we got married and conceived our child. I also reminisced on this summer holiday with my parents. It just shows how much my mind was always occupied in India.

My thoughts drifted to that accidental refreshing noontime swim in the ocean a few days ago. My daughter started screaming when she saw the jellyfish. I came to the rescue holding my digital camera on one hand (and trying to raise it up above the waves) as I tripped over while my daughter pulled herself up to climb on me. Her dad took her from there and I decided that, since I was already wet (fortunately not the camera), I might as well take a swim in the ocean. I haven’t done that since I came here six months ago, neither have I done that back in India.

I was alone. It was noontime. The ocean was clear of swimmers who either escaped from the noontime sun or took a break to fill their stomachs. The water was warm and heavy and waves crashed into the shore, but not where I was in the deep. I was met with high but gently rolling waves as I faced the horizon with a blank stare. The sky grew darker for an extended period of time as if heavy in holding back its tears as darkness approached. I dove under the water, stayed there as long as I could to be in the quiet, away from human sight for awhile and swam gently without flipping to break the surface. Unexpectedly, I found peace; a deep silence; a sense of freedom from the past and the future. It was just me, the ocean, the waves, the dark sky and the horizon.

I must admit I came home troubled from the changes in my job. I have been afraid and overwhelmed by the tasks ahead of me in the coming months. I have been haunted by the hints in the past that makes me think and believe I am going to have a very challenging time ahead of me. I have strained and stretched myself working long hours (yes, during this holiday) in trying to finish reading documents, e-mailing students and colleagues with holiday required work ( yes, it’s called the personal project among other things), lost sleep and stressed myself out ( and made me very resentful of my job -initially). The traveling, the climate change, the pollution in Manila and the over all fatigue made matters worse. I am also afraid it was the preceding factor for losing 2 weeks of my holiday over sickness. For over half a month, I tried to reconcile myself with the facts.

But on that blessed day in the beach, I was there. I was there in that moment – as just me at peace with losing myself for awhile. I thank the waters. I thank the skies. I thank the shadows and impending rain for empathizing with my pent-up feelings. I go back there, in the warm embracing salty strong but quiet water when I feel drifting into the past or future again.
Just after accomplishing our tasks , we passed by the mall one last time before heading home. I spent an hour in the National bookstore while my husband finished his shopping for his gadgets. There, I found familiar authors close to my heart but not the content. Never did I expect, that, that quiet from the dip in the ocean will be followed by a heart opening experience brushing through pages of these several special books.

The first one was by the Warrior of Light, a manual, by Paolo Coelho. I used to be a member in a Paolo Coelho book club in Yahoo for years, and made special friends there without ever having read a page of any of his books. But today, I read many pages of the Warriors of Light, and it spoke to my heart, and opened it. It was a down to earth and humble book. It was followed by Steven Covey’s 7 Effective Habit’s Personal Book, it was kind of a worksheet book. I have read two of his books and all have moved me and benefited me. Then it was followed by several Management books on team building and leadership. My eyes and mind and heart opened wider and wider as I grabbed one book after another ( yes, reading there for free for an hour). Before leaving for Iloilo, the quest for work inspiring books was started by finishing cover-to-cover Maria Shriver’s book on her advices to college graduating students. It was human and it was beautiful.

I can feel that steep learning curve happening inside me again. After writing that psychoanalyzing myself entry, I felt freer, more open and lighter.

The journey on growth and resilience continues.